Alhamdulilah!!

For the past one month, I did some self-reflection of my life and I guess I need to move on literally. Why I did this? It was due to me being insecure with my current life choices and maybe the enviousness of our people's lives are better than me. I am aiming to be the best and be me obviously. To be honest, I do not have depression, anxiety or suicidal thought because it is against my principles as a Muslim. I always put my faith to Allah that he is the one who can grant my wishes. True enough, I am just a weak human being who have his up and down. I like to keep my thoughts private. 

As I am sharing with my lovely readers, my life is completely fine and the matter of time, I need to keep on going to find my own happiness and freedom. I may not be the smartest or wiser but I know who am I? To write this post, I have to gather some courage as I am just a humble and normal human being who wants to be loved and to seek his own path in ensuring his life to get back as it is. My parents once told me to be strong because if we set our own goals and try to accomplish it, it will eventually happen. You just need to be put your mind to it. 

I have already gotten a new job but with the economy not doing well or I would said, recession period, the jobs that I aimed to get it, it is out of my reach for now. It is due to the pay and the benefits given by the company.I have decided to give my last 4 months to the current job that I am working now and see what 2021 have to offer me. Of course, I want my life to be the way I have planned previously at the start of the year. As my age is catching up and going to be 30 in 2021, I hope that my financial status is stable. I have to say that with moral support from my family and close friends, I might achieve it by 30. 

I do not regret on what I have done in the past but the past gave me a choice to reflect hence I do not want to make the same mistake again because time will not turn back and keeps on moving. I only live once and am sure that I might use it in a better way. Sometimes, I do  not know understand why am I born like this and why my life is so different from the others, I want to be the perfect person in terms of education, status and many more. 

Yes, Allah have his own ways for me to achieve my goals and from what I believe- sustenance, marriage and many more in the hands of Allah. I know it is wrong to think that Allah is unfair but I know that I need to be patient with what I have been given. I am fortunate to be healthy and able to lead my life the way I want. It is also true human being want more from what they have but it is okay because if you work hard for it, you will see the fruit to your success. I once stumbled upon a book that living life is not just for your survival but you need to be sure that life have a meaning to it such as there is something you are proud of. 

I guess my self reflection do play a part in restructuring my life the way I want it to be. I have not talk to anyone about it as I am emotionally strong to handle it in my own way and seek Allah for help in order for me to achieve what I want in my life. Even I want my life to better, I want to know that my family do play apart for me to be success and I am very grateful that they won't stop me from what I am currently doing. 

2020 is really a tough year for me but there is one point of time, I broke down and went away for a day, I cannot recalled what made me like this but I am sure that I need to be away from anyone at that point of time. I just need 'me' time and no one can interfere with it. As it was a tough day, I have self evaluate myself and why am I being like this? It is due to the external surrounding or it is just me to release all my pain on that one time. I just felt relieved after that episode of my life and I need to be stronger than ever. The impact of it made me realize that I am able to overcome it. 

As it is my birthday month, I hope that I am Rudy that I used to be with better me in terms of physical and mental. I hope this post gives me a sense of relief and satisfaction to let out what is inside me for the past months. I have a promise to myself that I need to be the better Rudy now and in the future.

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See you on my next post! Stay safe and well!! (: